(In hipster’s voice)

Oh my God, you have not eaten Chinese food until you’ve eaten It in a small Chinese town in central China.

LOL, sorry that’s all I was picturing when I was writing this. But the truth is Chinese food is absolutely Different compared to what we eat in Western culture. I Remember hearing the story that there was an American style Chinese food restaurant that started in Hong Kong and Shanghai, it was incredibly popular, but they could not call Chinese food. No one would believe it. They  had to Call it American food,

I thought that was funny

In China, there’s no ginger beef, fortune cookies or fried chicken balls in the sweets sauce. The real Chinese food is a hot pot, Lamian, Gōng bǎo chicken. All these dishes or traditional Chinese and they’re all absolutely delicious, don’t give me wrong. I love drunkenly eating American style Chinese food out of the fridge in my underwear like anyone.  But there’s an elegance and a beauty to Chinese food that I can describe for hours. If I had the chance to do a documentary or a show about Chinese food, I could spend every day in my life making a new episode and I Would have barely scratched the surface.

I will now tell you a story about my favourite Meal.

Me and my host family, in a car. it’s night time. Me in the back seat. And as per the love of safety in China, they cut the seatbelts out. My cute host son and I where sliding back-and-forth as the father was prone to take the corners a little sharp like he was trying out for the 64th fast and furious ( fast and furious – we know you are going to watch this part 2) Now don’t get me wrong my host father is an amazing driver. He knows how do drive like I know how to cook. And contrary to popular belief about Chinese’s drivers most drivers I have met have been the best drivers I have ever seen in my life.

 But back to the story, My host father keeps telling me that we’re going to a business party. I didn’t quite understand what that meant’s so I just was excited to see what would happen. We Parked in a nondescript Mall, I picture this being Out of Dead Rising (that one video game with the mall and zombie). I hopped out of the car, at this moment I realized there were barely any other cars in the mall. Once we got to the mall it got even weirder, Everything was closed and empty ( what the fuck?) but as we made our way up to the top floor. I started to  hear the laughter and chatting of businessmen 

 I should let you know here that a lot of business dealings are dealt with in restaurants in China, What happens is the two businessmen bring some other colleagues. Or in this case, me and they proceed to get drunker and drunker, While eating good food. Once everyone is full of beer and good food. Then they bang out a deal.Anyways I sit  Down at a beautiful glass table with a wok in the centre of it. then the server starts passing around appetizers, we’re all getting excited for the meal to come. and without notice, my host father pulls out a white bottle and starts pouring everybody some. I also got one, 

once I pick it up, everyone at the table looked at me. I brought it up to my nose and smelled it, BLAC!!!! I am not kidding it smells like gas and not the good stuff that d-bags but to put in they B.M.W. I make a face and ever one let out a laugh, but then to make them shut up. I shoot it like a man. It tasted as it smells, like Shit… I later find out what they’re pouring, it’s a bottle of Chinese rice wine that cost over $100 for each bottle, After a few shots it went down pretty smooth. 

By the time everybody was on their third shot, a gentlemen came over to the table. He was pushing this silver cart. He was incredibly well dressed with the finest of white uniforms I have ever seen.  He stoped at are tabel, smiled at us and said that he was going to proceed to cook the meal in front of us,  That’s pretty cool I thought, he turned on the Wok in the centre of the table. It started to heat up, I can feel the heat radiating off of it, just like it would feel stranded at the precipice of a  volcano. 

He Proceeds to take the silk cloth off of the cart, under that cloth was what looked like the whole fucking ocean.  From lobster, crab, shrimp, oysters, every single thing you could think of. He  proceeded to cook well all at the same time cracking jokes, Then eventually after cooking everthing,  he poured in stock, creating  what looks like a soup.  Once it started to boiling, he took the live lobster and crab and with out caramony he tossed them in. Then left us to are wine and beer.

By this time we are probably five or six shots in to this adventure, everything was getting a little fuzzy. The cook came back, open the lid. Put in a couple of spices. And  told us that it was done. He Bowd, left , We all started takeing things out of the pot with are chop stick. Everthing was cooked perfectly and expertly.

It is hard to say what it tasted like, it was a little spicy a little sweet like nothing ever Had before. and by this time of the Chinese rice wine is tasting really good with the company of beer and a bunch of different munchies. Now, I have no idea what they were discussing, what the business dealings was. All I know was I was having a good time. Eventually  everybody was pretty drunk.  We needed to go. My host father and I slung are arm over one another and stumbuld to the car.

Thankfully we had a driver, so we weren’t worried about drunk driving. One of the  perks of being super wealthy.  Our driver drove us home. I said Thank you for the time I jumped in to bed and fell asleep with my stomach full of delicious seafood and really good  Chinese Alcohol.  The next morening no hangovewr so life was so good.